The Mess

Life is so messy.

How do you deal with it when something happens that is so completely beyond your control that it shatters your world?

Where do you turn?

To whom do you run for comfort?

It's painful and unfair and just plain wrong. Life shouldn't hurt so much.

I genuinely want your answers to the above questions. My life happens to be relatively wonderful, but when something horrible and so completely life altering happens to someone that you care deeply about, how do you help them?

Life is full of tears, but they are, somehow, tempered by laughter.

It breaks my heart to know that someone I care for is hurting and that I can't do anything to relieve his pain. I ask what I can do, and he says that he wishes he knew what to ask for; instead, there's nothing but this gaping hole of pain in his heart and it takes all his strength just to keep it from swallowing him alive.

How do you convince yourself to get out of bed each morning?

What keeps you alive?

A New Semester, A New Start

Orientation week is drawing to a close. Classes begin tomorrow, and at this point, I'm ready for a sense of routine to come back into the days.

The freshman class is great this year. The 13 that were in my "O Group" are all fantastic people, and it has truly been a blessing getting to know them. It's also been an extremely exhausting week.

For starters, a tragedy in the life of my friend/O partner, Neil.

So things didn't go exactly the way we'd planned, but it was still good.

Vague? Yes. Sorry about that.

Moving on... my schedule is hectic, but after meeting several of the new freshmen music people, I'm really psyched about the classes I'm taking.

Honestly, when I got here, I didn't know what to expect. But I'm beginning to realize anew just how special this place is, and also that there are few joys greater than reuniting with friends after 3+ months apart. I haven't smiled so much (or sweated, for that matter) in a very long time.

It was nice to feel really joyful again.

:-)

I was looking through some of the older stuff I've written and I came across this little gem. I don't know if anybody else will like it, but I honestly wonder what possessed me...

Anyway, here you go.

The First Post Ever.

For some reason, my little brother - who happened to have his birthday yesterday - has been on a Lord of the Rings kick. So now we're watching "The Two Towers" for what must be the tenth time. Don't get me wrong, it's a pretty darn amazing series (not to mention that Viggo Mortenson and Orlando Bloom are smokin' hot).

In other news, there's only a week before collegiate life begins anew.

I think we're in for an interesting year, folks.

Just Another Summer Day

Not a whole lot has happened recently. I've still got a few books I need to finish, my dad managed to trade his motorcycle for a huge pontoon boat, and I actually got to sleep in today since I'm now done working until I go back to school.

It looks like I'll get a week or two to get my head on straight before going back to Arkansas. Here's to hoping that's a success!

It's now officially summer. The last two days have had highs of 100 and 102 degrees, with promises of ridiculously hot weather still to come. Yuck!

Anyway, life is weird. I got to hang out with some girls from high school the other day, and it was wonderful to see them all again. I'd forgotten how much I missed them and their unique views on things. It was interesting, though, to see how much I had changed. I used to see the world exactly as they did, but I guess my experiences have changed me in more drastic ways than theirs have.

Perhaps really they've just been truer to themselves and I'm allowing myself to be swept away until I'm not really sure what's going on anymore.

In any case, it was a lot of fun, and hearing their different stories and plans for the future got me thinking about how much we really do learn simply by living life day-to-day and talking to other people.

Some day, I'd like to write a book or two about all of the things that life has taught me. I'd like to think it'd be worth reading, especially if there's anything akin to wisdom in it. God knows I've got a long way to go on that count, though.

I don't know what'll happen tomorrow, but for now I'll assume that it'll be a relaxing day and that when it's over, I'll have read a little, written a little, laughed a lot, and tried to love as best I can.

Ramblings

It's been raining here a lot lately. They say that these storms are left over from tropical storm Bonnie. Personally, I love rainy days - so long as I can be seperated from the downpour by a panel of glass. :)

I think I've drunk something like 25 cups of coffee in the last four days. I don't know if that's impressive or not, but it's a hell of a lot more than usual. I've also been playing the Angry Birds app game for hours on end. Who knew that catapulting various types of birds (some of them explode!) into fortresses of various materials in order to kill the little green pigs could be so addicting? Well it is. And if you have an iPod touch or an iPhone, you should get this game.

In other entertainment news, 30 Rock is probably the funniest show on television right now. (I watch everything on Hulu, though. It's so convenient!) The Big Bang Theory is a close second, mostly because of Sheldon. Lie to Me is never boring, either - definitely not funny, but still great.

Right now I'm reading three books: The Girl Who Played with Fire (for fun), Cry, The Beloved Country (required for Orientation), and The Noticer (for book club).
All are good so far, but I can't say I'd recommend The Noticer as a book club choice. It's interesting, but more for personal motivation than anything else.

Oh! and I almost forgot.
I'm also listening to World Without End by Ken Follett on audiobook - usually while I'm playing Angry Birds...
It's fantastic, but I would recommend reading and/or listening to The Pillars of the Earth first. It just makes a tad more sense that way. And I'll warn you, too, that this is a brick of a book with some rather explicit scenes scattered throughout.

Also on the list of books-that-I-started-to-read-this-summer-but-haven't-gotten-around-to-finishing are A Swiftly Tilting Planet, Les Miserables, The Hostile Hospital (book 8 of A Series of Unfortunate Events), and Angels and Demons.
Sometimes I just get bored and move on.
I'll finish them all eventually.

I recommend everything mentioned in this post to any bored people out there who stumble upon my blog.

Until tomorrow,
which supposedly never comes.

Two Posts in One Day!

This one's just a quote that I completely relate to. It's from this year's JBU Read for incoming freshman that I'm reading because I'm Orientation leader.

Here you go:

"Who indeed knows thesecret of the earthly pilgrimage? Who knows for what we live, and struggle, and die? Who knows what keeps us living and struggling, while all things break about us? Who knows why the warm flesh of a child is such comfort, when one's own child is lost and cannot be recovered? Wise men write many books, in words too hard to understand. But this, the purpose of our lives, the end of all our struggle, is beyond all human wisdom.

Oh God, my God, do not Thou forsake me."

~page 94, Cry, The Beloved Country

by Alan Paton

Oh, The Stupidity of Me!

For what must be the thousandth time, I have been reminded that I'm a really, REALLY selfish person. If you've read one of my posts, you're probably aware of that already...

Last night, my mother was upset. A very small thing happened, but it was one of those "last straw" things that always results in a reaction that astonishes the guilty party. I was teasing my mom about something she had said, and she got so upset by it that she started to cry, explaining to me that she was at her wit's end with all of the disrespect and general neglect she had been suffering at the hands of my family.

Don't get me wrong here; we all love each other, but we're the sort of family that laughs a lot at each others' expense. Sometimes, my mother is the only one who isn't in the mood to joke like that - probably because she's so stressed from working a full time job, being a full-time mom, and helping my dad keep his business in order. That's a lot to handle anyway, and there are small things that we do that tend to push her to the edge sometimes.

I can't say I blame her. I imagine that she is pretty much constantly overwhelmed, and I know the feeling. I also now feel very childish and ridiculous for complaining so much and acting like such an immature little kid. I mean, come on! My worst problem - as I addressed yesterday - is that my job is too laid back and therefore I've got too much time to just sit and ponder harmful things.

Good grief.

I think it's time to get over it. So this is what I'll do:

Pray.

I know from past experience that the only way to overcome selfishness is to focus on loving other people, thus letting the self slip away. The best way to start loving other people more than we love ourselves is by loving God, and loving God is easy.
All you have to do is look around you.

So, starting right now, I'm going to start over and, with lots of help, get over myself.

Very few people are genuinely happy when they think they're the center of the universe. Many people are happy when they stop being afraid of getting hurt and start living.

Sure, there's a level of risk that you've got to be willing to take here. After all, we have to lose some to win some.

This Summer

If there is one thing that I've learned this summer, it's that having nothing to do for long stretches of time is dangerous for my psyche.

I suppose this means that I am of that terribly selfish breed that - if left to my own devices - is likely to have a brain hemmorage (or three) from contemplating the fallacies of humanity for long periods of time.

A couple of weeks ago I was discussing my sour mood with my mother, who, quite frankly, was tired of my idiotic bad attitude. Who can blame her? I was acting like a selfish baby, the type that's likely to hold its breath until various idiotic demands have been met.
Anyway, she quickly recognized that boredom can be lethal for me when given in high doses. She saw that I needed a project or some other activity that would place my energies in other people, thus alleviating the pressure of my excrutiatingly critical gaze on my own soul.
(Jeez. Could that sentence have been any more convoluted?)

So, I started going to the gym after work every day. All those articles that claim the benefits of exercise are pretty much spot-on. After only a week of working out, I really did feel happier, and my overall mood towards the world was a little brighter.

I also began to read like mad. In one month I read something like twelve books (most of them were various childrens' books, but they still count as literature), and I'm only just beginning to slow down.
This brings me to another fun fact that I've learned about myself this summer: spending 8 hours a day doing very little that qualifies as actual work in front of a computer = introduction to the joys of online shopping.

I have spent countless hours of the last two months shopping for books, shoes, clothes, and movies (but mostly books). I haven't ended up buying anything except books online - including $300 worth of textbooks, yikes! - but I've been sorely tempted to spend my money on many things.

I don't know, I guess in my mind, summer is the time for book buying, swimming, and being lazy with friends - but based on this year's experiences, maybe I should begin to change my outlook a little...

Life's too short to be depressed so often.

Right?

Thoughts of A Dying Atheist

No, I'm not an atheist.
God does exist. It doesn't make sense to say that He doesn't. There's just too much proof.

However, over the last couple of months I've struggled with this terrible thing that I do: thinking too much about unanswerable questions. It's so dangerous for people like me (people who can say, 'hey, brain, slow your roll!' a million times and it never makes a difference) to get hung up on tiny details that can't be fixed or, transversly, massively mind-blowing questions that can only be answered by God.
My biggest problem is that I've been in a weird sort of in-between state that sucks even more than depression. It's as though I know that I've got some very big decisions to make, but I'm really hesitant to make those decisions. It's a dangerous game I'm playing. I recognize that.

For example, I need to decide once and for all what I believe about God, and Christianity, and everything that my life has been built upon thus far. I've spent the last few months living pretty much as if I don't buy any of it. Don't get my wrong, I've not done anything terribly illegal or outlandishly wild; I simply seperated myself from my faith for a while. It actually scared me, when I stepped back to look at how I got here, how very simple it was to do so.

And guess how much good it's done me. Just guess; you'll probably hit the nail on the head...

Essentially, since I've come home from school, I've had this terrible attitude about everything. I found myself feeling contempt for things that I always accepted before, and it was actually very difficult for me to admit to myself that it really was contempt. It took several discussions with my parents, who certainly aren't perfect but do a pretty damn good job, for me to realize that I have been more selfish and rude to them than ever before. I didn't want it to be true when my mother accused me of never wanting to be with my family or scorning everything we've always stood for, but when I looked at myself honestly, I saw that it was true.

This uncertain time has taught me that when I seperate myself from God as fully as I've done, nothing but immaturity and coldness comes from it. But I'm seeing, also, that it's much harder to come back to what is good once you've been all but consumed by darkness.

However, there was one thing that I gathered that was more beneficial than anything else. I mentioned that I held pretty much everything that I'd believed before in contempt, and that included myself.
It is intersting here to note that the sort of "contempt" I was harboring was really just a projection of the intense uncertainly and fragility of my state of mind. I wasn't sure about anything anymore, and I didn't know how to handle anything gracefully, so I did a 180 and messed everything up.
Needless to say, I was disgusted to find that all that time when I was so sure of myself, so sure of what I believed and what was right - all that time I was being so judgmental that my own sister and brother didn't feel like they could talk with me honestly about what they were going through. And they were right. I wouldn't have known how to handle it, would have judged them harshly (perhaps without meaning to, but still...) and I would have immediately tried to give them advice that would be more hurtful than helpful.
In this, I believe that I have changed for the better.

Just this morning, there was a wonderful thunderstorm - the kind that makes curling up in a warm, soft bed while listening to the thunder and rain seem like heaven - and I thought of God. I hadn't prayed, much less opened my Bible, in quite some time. (When I say that I seperated myself, I mean pretty much completely.)
But, listening to the rain, I couldn't help it. I thought of God, and I thought of the people in my life who meant so much to me, the people I haven't seen in a while and the people that I've hurt. I thought of how selfishly and immaturely I've been living my life lately, and for the first time in a long time, I felt grief at what I had done. Remorse.

Then, on my way to work, I listened to David Crowder's version of "All Around Me," and I felt something, a glimmer of hope for mercy I don't deserve.
Now I sit here pouring out my soul, wondering if I can fix my life and yet knowing that I can't do it by myself. Like I said, I've got some big, potentially life-altering decisions to make. But because God is so mysteriously willing to pour grace over my life, in this moment I am not afraid.

Maybe I'll make the right decision, after all.

It's Been A While...

I haven't blogged in quite a while - mostly because life happens more quickly than I can process sometimes. Over the last few months I've had various ideas floating around my brain, and making sense of them has been an interesting and sometimes difficult task. I find myself asking,

What are we doing?

We seem to be living our lives as if nothing matters. We're hopelessly waiting for something that will never come. We're constantly looking inward, trying to find something in ourselves that can keep us alive.

There is no such thing.

We're messed up. We're human. We are going to fail eventually.

We are paradoxes, and we live and move through paradoxes. We want something to come and save us, and yet we want that something to be controllable. We need something bigger than ourselves, but we're not willing to give up our hold. We're afraid of the dark, and yet we live in it without even trying to get out. We don't like the cold, and yet here we sit, shivering - without any real hope of finding warmth and light and joy.

What is joy?

C.S. Lewis calls it "an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction." Paradox? So it would seem. And yet, what Lewis is saying makes sense. The moments of my life that I categorize as "joyful" are all ones in which I felt a mixture of awe, longing, hope, and desire so intensely that all I wanted to do was to stay in that moment forever - even though it was a moment of "unsatisfied desire." I think that our joy is such a good thing because we know with certainty that someday relatively soon our deepest desire - our desire to truly know God - will be satisfied beyond our wildest imaginings.

We're fallen, wicked creatures; we can't find wholeness within our own selves.

But it is possible to see to know the truth.

There is Someone who can save us. That Someone is not the Self. Self will kill us faster by strangling joy, and he strangles joy by smothering hope.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you... Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." -John 14:27

There are a lot of controversies, a lot of debates, a lot of stereotypes within the Christian community that are pointless and much more harmful than some realize. Let's just be real with each other for once.

Please.