This Summer

If there is one thing that I've learned this summer, it's that having nothing to do for long stretches of time is dangerous for my psyche.

I suppose this means that I am of that terribly selfish breed that - if left to my own devices - is likely to have a brain hemmorage (or three) from contemplating the fallacies of humanity for long periods of time.

A couple of weeks ago I was discussing my sour mood with my mother, who, quite frankly, was tired of my idiotic bad attitude. Who can blame her? I was acting like a selfish baby, the type that's likely to hold its breath until various idiotic demands have been met.
Anyway, she quickly recognized that boredom can be lethal for me when given in high doses. She saw that I needed a project or some other activity that would place my energies in other people, thus alleviating the pressure of my excrutiatingly critical gaze on my own soul.
(Jeez. Could that sentence have been any more convoluted?)

So, I started going to the gym after work every day. All those articles that claim the benefits of exercise are pretty much spot-on. After only a week of working out, I really did feel happier, and my overall mood towards the world was a little brighter.

I also began to read like mad. In one month I read something like twelve books (most of them were various childrens' books, but they still count as literature), and I'm only just beginning to slow down.
This brings me to another fun fact that I've learned about myself this summer: spending 8 hours a day doing very little that qualifies as actual work in front of a computer = introduction to the joys of online shopping.

I have spent countless hours of the last two months shopping for books, shoes, clothes, and movies (but mostly books). I haven't ended up buying anything except books online - including $300 worth of textbooks, yikes! - but I've been sorely tempted to spend my money on many things.

I don't know, I guess in my mind, summer is the time for book buying, swimming, and being lazy with friends - but based on this year's experiences, maybe I should begin to change my outlook a little...

Life's too short to be depressed so often.

Right?

Thoughts of A Dying Atheist

No, I'm not an atheist.
God does exist. It doesn't make sense to say that He doesn't. There's just too much proof.

However, over the last couple of months I've struggled with this terrible thing that I do: thinking too much about unanswerable questions. It's so dangerous for people like me (people who can say, 'hey, brain, slow your roll!' a million times and it never makes a difference) to get hung up on tiny details that can't be fixed or, transversly, massively mind-blowing questions that can only be answered by God.
My biggest problem is that I've been in a weird sort of in-between state that sucks even more than depression. It's as though I know that I've got some very big decisions to make, but I'm really hesitant to make those decisions. It's a dangerous game I'm playing. I recognize that.

For example, I need to decide once and for all what I believe about God, and Christianity, and everything that my life has been built upon thus far. I've spent the last few months living pretty much as if I don't buy any of it. Don't get my wrong, I've not done anything terribly illegal or outlandishly wild; I simply seperated myself from my faith for a while. It actually scared me, when I stepped back to look at how I got here, how very simple it was to do so.

And guess how much good it's done me. Just guess; you'll probably hit the nail on the head...

Essentially, since I've come home from school, I've had this terrible attitude about everything. I found myself feeling contempt for things that I always accepted before, and it was actually very difficult for me to admit to myself that it really was contempt. It took several discussions with my parents, who certainly aren't perfect but do a pretty damn good job, for me to realize that I have been more selfish and rude to them than ever before. I didn't want it to be true when my mother accused me of never wanting to be with my family or scorning everything we've always stood for, but when I looked at myself honestly, I saw that it was true.

This uncertain time has taught me that when I seperate myself from God as fully as I've done, nothing but immaturity and coldness comes from it. But I'm seeing, also, that it's much harder to come back to what is good once you've been all but consumed by darkness.

However, there was one thing that I gathered that was more beneficial than anything else. I mentioned that I held pretty much everything that I'd believed before in contempt, and that included myself.
It is intersting here to note that the sort of "contempt" I was harboring was really just a projection of the intense uncertainly and fragility of my state of mind. I wasn't sure about anything anymore, and I didn't know how to handle anything gracefully, so I did a 180 and messed everything up.
Needless to say, I was disgusted to find that all that time when I was so sure of myself, so sure of what I believed and what was right - all that time I was being so judgmental that my own sister and brother didn't feel like they could talk with me honestly about what they were going through. And they were right. I wouldn't have known how to handle it, would have judged them harshly (perhaps without meaning to, but still...) and I would have immediately tried to give them advice that would be more hurtful than helpful.
In this, I believe that I have changed for the better.

Just this morning, there was a wonderful thunderstorm - the kind that makes curling up in a warm, soft bed while listening to the thunder and rain seem like heaven - and I thought of God. I hadn't prayed, much less opened my Bible, in quite some time. (When I say that I seperated myself, I mean pretty much completely.)
But, listening to the rain, I couldn't help it. I thought of God, and I thought of the people in my life who meant so much to me, the people I haven't seen in a while and the people that I've hurt. I thought of how selfishly and immaturely I've been living my life lately, and for the first time in a long time, I felt grief at what I had done. Remorse.

Then, on my way to work, I listened to David Crowder's version of "All Around Me," and I felt something, a glimmer of hope for mercy I don't deserve.
Now I sit here pouring out my soul, wondering if I can fix my life and yet knowing that I can't do it by myself. Like I said, I've got some big, potentially life-altering decisions to make. But because God is so mysteriously willing to pour grace over my life, in this moment I am not afraid.

Maybe I'll make the right decision, after all.

It's Been A While...

I haven't blogged in quite a while - mostly because life happens more quickly than I can process sometimes. Over the last few months I've had various ideas floating around my brain, and making sense of them has been an interesting and sometimes difficult task. I find myself asking,

What are we doing?

We seem to be living our lives as if nothing matters. We're hopelessly waiting for something that will never come. We're constantly looking inward, trying to find something in ourselves that can keep us alive.

There is no such thing.

We're messed up. We're human. We are going to fail eventually.

We are paradoxes, and we live and move through paradoxes. We want something to come and save us, and yet we want that something to be controllable. We need something bigger than ourselves, but we're not willing to give up our hold. We're afraid of the dark, and yet we live in it without even trying to get out. We don't like the cold, and yet here we sit, shivering - without any real hope of finding warmth and light and joy.

What is joy?

C.S. Lewis calls it "an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction." Paradox? So it would seem. And yet, what Lewis is saying makes sense. The moments of my life that I categorize as "joyful" are all ones in which I felt a mixture of awe, longing, hope, and desire so intensely that all I wanted to do was to stay in that moment forever - even though it was a moment of "unsatisfied desire." I think that our joy is such a good thing because we know with certainty that someday relatively soon our deepest desire - our desire to truly know God - will be satisfied beyond our wildest imaginings.

We're fallen, wicked creatures; we can't find wholeness within our own selves.

But it is possible to see to know the truth.

There is Someone who can save us. That Someone is not the Self. Self will kill us faster by strangling joy, and he strangles joy by smothering hope.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you... Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." -John 14:27

There are a lot of controversies, a lot of debates, a lot of stereotypes within the Christian community that are pointless and much more harmful than some realize. Let's just be real with each other for once.

Please.

Silent Hearts

Talk to me for a little while. I just need a moment. I only need one to pour my heart into.

He was right, though. If we hold our hearts out in our hands, it is only a short matter of time before someone comes along and starts sticking needles into it, just for the sake of watching us writhe in agony.

Such a pessimist. But in the end, the sad truth is that people can't be trusted. Go ahead and ask me why I think that. Nobody will, of course. Nobody sees this blog. But when I'm as desperately tired as I am at this moment, there's just about no limit to what I'll say. If it's in my head, it could very well come out of my mouth.

So.

Life is interesting. We go through good days, where the sun is shining - literally, figuratively, or both - and there are smiles all around. Then we have days like today, when nobody seems to have gotten any sleep in at least two weeks and everybody is tired and a little depressed. Or a lot depressed, depending on your disposition. Either way, it's not fun to be exhausted beyond fatigue.

I love people, but only sometimes. I used to strongly dislike most people all of the time, so I'd say this is definitely an improvement from past times. People can be great fun, but there are times when solitude is absolutely necessary. Solitude and Silence. It's quite sad how increasingly difficult to find true, sheer silence nowadays. Everybody's so busy going about their lives that they never stop to notice how incredibly loud the world is. And all that noise is so meaningless. It's in the silence that God speaks.

Silence can be louder than the ruckus, though, if it's an unwelcome guest. It can make a person crazy.

In our loud, social, tiny world, we need to learn to be more honest with each other and to appreciate the silences. We need to be more careful with each other's hearts. We need to love one another more than we love our selves. These are truths that very few care to listen to, because very few care more about anything than that monstrous SELF.

Death to self. To live is Christ; to die is gain. This world holds nothing for me... but I can't really believe that the world holds nothing. It does. It holds people. It holds love. It holds God's creation, the work of His hands. Yes, there are bad things, and yes, when death finally comes and frees us it will be much better than here, but I cannot say that there is nothing good here. All of the pain will be worth it in the end.

It's analogous to childbirth. The mother goes through some intensely agonizing pain, and while it's happening she might be having some serious doubts about whether it's worth it. But the moment her child is placed into her arms, it becomes clear that the pain was nothing compared to the joy she now holds. In the same way, the pain and suffering we endure on the earth will be cast in a whole new light once we finally reach the eternal joy of being in the presence of God.

What else is there?

Nothing To Say

I hate allergies. My eyes are sore from rubbing them. My friend has dogs and they weren't even in the room... never the less, I'm suffering. I don't like domestic animals unless I can be around them with no side effects. It's too bad, really.

Ironically, I need to go feed my cats now. They're outdoor, and for some reason their fur doesn't bother me.

I'm watching a show called "Pitchmen". It's interesting because it goes behind the scenes on infomercials. Oh the drama of everyday life...

The sixth Harry Potter movie comes out next Wednesday.

There's nothing left for me to say, really. I'm tired, but I can't sleep yet... Too much to do. It's kind of sad to watch this dead guy say that he wants to "leave a legacy" and talk about how his life didn't start until after he was forty. Now he's dead at fifty-something... sad.

Time for bed.
Good night, all.

Southern Summers

The light filters blue through the window;
Soft sounds of summer rain falling soothe a mind still half-asleep.
Where are we going today?

The heat comes rolling off of pavement,
Giving the wrong impression of water.
Will we swim today?

The leaves are green or brown,
The air is heavy enough to taste.
When will this drought end?

The slightest breeze carressing sweat-covered brows;
A blessed cloud gives relief from the sun.
Why can't life be this perfect always?

The day is lazy,
We sit in the cool darkness.
Today is all we have.

Enjoy the blue skies, the rolling clouds,
The green leaves and small breezes,
Enjoy the heat and love the dark,

Ask the questions while you may,
Know the answers, seek the day.
Too soon it will be gone again.

And Then There Were Two...

This is now my second attempt at keeping a blog. The first was on livejournal, and I've still got that account, but I haven't updated it since May... Perhaps this one will go more smoothly!

I really just got tired of writing out a long post only to have it deleted because my computer is retarded and there was no autosave option. Here there is at least the latter.

It's been a crazy summer. I hardly feel rested, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. I can hardly believe how quickly the days have run, how short the weeks seem to be. How a month and a half already have passed since school got out? And now there's only a month and a half left... jeez. Time flies.

Overall, life is good. I've finally gotten back on track with my quiet times, and it's truly amazing the peace that comes with spending some time one-on-one with God. I'll never get over how astounding He is!

Sometimes I write random little story-things, like the post below this one. Sometimes I talk about a book I'm reading, sometimes I talk about my frustrations. Sometimes I get all philosophical on you and ramble on and on...

Hang tight. I think you'll find I've got a lot to say ;)